Stuck In Iraq

I kept trying to decipher John Kerry's remarks...

"Stuck in Iraq... Stuck in Iraq... Stuck in Iraq... If you don't do your homework, you'll get Stuck in Iraq... Stuck in Iraq... Stuck in Iraq... If you aren't smart, you'll get Stuck in Iraq... Stuck in Iraq... If you aren't a good little boy, you'll get Stuck in Iraq... Every good boy deserves fudge... Every good boy deserves to be F----- Stuck in Iraq... Stuck in ... "

I think I got it! Bush is God, and Iraq is Hell. If you don't say the Rosarie every night, your Humvee will get stuck in the mud in Iraq! What religion is Bush/Hitler/Satan/God again? If you don't pray your Cataclysms every night, you'll get stuck in the Iraqi quagmire! Don't they have sand instead of mud over there? If you don't pray for Cataclysms, you'll get stuck in the Iraqi quicksand!


Okay, okay, okay... Okay.
Okay then.
Okay now...
Okay.
I think I'm stuck on something stupid here. Yeah, that Kerry guy's acting stupid. Again. He's a veteran, but military people are supposed to be retarded. He voted to remove Saddam Hussein, but the war was a bad idea, and we didn't send in enough troops because they keep killing innocent children and raping women in the dead of the night. Because they're retarded. Like him.

I think John F----- Kerry should shut the F--- up while he still can. After all, he already lost the election. Two years ago. And he's still campaigning against George W. Bush.

"Winners never quit. Quitters never win. But those who never quit and never win are idiots."

Q: What's long and hard on John F----- Kerry?

1. His nose
2. The third grade
3. His ongoing 2004 presidential campaign
4. The public outcry about his "Stuck in Iraq" comment
5. All of the above
   

9/11 Remembered

The news shows are having continuous coverage of the 9/11 memorial events being held today.  I think it’s appropriate that I give my memories of what happened five years ago.

They say that people remember where they were and what they were doing at times like this.  I had been laid off from at least my 10th job in May, four months earlier.  My dreams of being a respected Computer Engineer had been shot down one more time, by another company that lacked the clarity and resolve to stay in business, and the commitment to support it’s employees careers.  I had already lost faith in humanity, and the computer industry in particular.

September 11, 2001 was six days after my birthday.  That day, I was wrapped in despair, just like every other day.  While I worked up the motivation to do another mass mailing of resumes, I whiled away the day downloading music.  Someone from the UK was commenting on a discussion board their sorrow for the attacks on our country.  I had no idea what this was referring to, so I went to the TV.  The repeating footage of the World Trade Center towers collapsing, and of the airplanes disintegrating into the buildings told the story.  Shepard Smith of Fox News had his own, almost juvenile commentary, grasping at straws to make sense of what happened.

Up until that time, New York City represented a group of people that I… disliked.  All so rude, selfish, unsociable, quick to take advantage.  I didn’t distinguish the WTC buildings from any other skyscrapers in that big, overcrowded, east coast city.  Terrorists were only something in other parts of the world, or in movies.  Even New York City was a distant place, that didn’t affect my life.  Only in the days following that event did I begin to understand its import.

I was mad.  Mad at myself for not paying attention, for my ignorance of important world events.  But still consumed with despair.  Even more despair than before.

Today, I still see people in denial of the importance of that event.  People want it to fade into the past.  People in Colorado think of it as something that happened “over there,” as if “over there” might as well be Beirut, or the Gaza Strip, or somewhere by China.

When the conspiracy theories came out, I was taken in.  I thought long and hard about the 2004 presidential election.  I concluded that President Bush ought to finish what he started with Iraq, and that he had a plan, while John Kerry had no plan.  I cast my vote early.  Not long after, I discovered the Democracy Now! program on FSTV.  The reports there, and on web sites sent to me had me convinced that Bush had actually assisted in coordinating the 9/11 attacks, and the cover-up afterward.  

When evidence to the contrary surfaced, debunking the conspiracy theories, I was mad again.  I was mad at myself for having been fooled by people who had created lies with nothing more than political gain in mind.  It was about that time that I made a commitment to stay informed.

I already had the paper route as a temporary means of income, while I figured out how to start and build my own business.  One of my New York Times customers had generated an extraneous subscription, which I took home and read a few times.  The global scope of the stories in the New York Times opened my eyes to a world outside my hometown and region, outside Colorado, and outside our national borders.  Later, I encountered some of the bloggers, many who are blogrolled in my blog’s right-hand column.  The conservative bloggers opened my eyes to the political agendas that often obscure clear judgement.

In 2003, I had the painful experience of my pet’s death.  By then, I had determined that such painful experiences are also sacred.  I decided that tragedy happens so as to give us an opportunity to make positive change.  I had committed to give back the best that I have to offer in return for whatever is given to me.  In answering a friend’s idle question of “When does it get easy?” I said, “It gets easy when you give up.”

Dark Side

Enough Is Enough
There are some symbolic parallels in what’s happening with the paper route, my professional (?) life, and what’s happening in the Middle East. Israel has essentially decided that it’s had enough with the threats of Hezbollah, and has taken it upon themselves to rid Lebanon of this menace.  Unfortunately, since Hezbollah is in the habit of embedding themselves in the civilian population, the Lebanese civilian population and infrastructure are being destroyed along with Hezbollah.  The appeasers of the world, the UN, all cry out ”stop the hostilities!” as town after town is reduced to rubble.  The UN is an ineffectual bureaucracy that produces useless resolutions.  UN resolutions and calls for cease-fire are about as ineffectual as squirting a garden hose to get two dogs to stop fighting.  Hezbollah refuses to stop fighting until Israel leaves Lebanon, and Israel refuses to stop fighting until Hezbollah stops firing rockets into Israeli cities.  The conflict is reminiscent of Clint Eastwood in “Every Which Way But Loose” where Philo Beddoe and Tank Murdock are matched in an unsupervised brawl, where they slug it out, neither one winning, neither one loosing, until they both collapse in exhaustion.

I don’t know why I have repeat chronic complainers on the paper route.  Maybe the guy is just dumb.  Maybe somebody downtown wants to deny me my bonus every week.  Maybe one of the other paper carriers doesn’t like me because my political views differ from his, or that I’ve previously had a perfect route for weeks, even months on end.  But I’ve decided that the chronic complainer has got to go.  Meanwhile, at least one customer loves me for the special attention I oblige her with.  If only compliments would cancel out complaints.  Instead, the one customer that calls in the first complaint that puts my complete rate over the acceptable threshold costs me my $40 bonus.  That’s a lot of money to lose for delivery of a Sunday only newspaper subscription.

Israel sometimes imposes censorship rules on the media, so that they have to put their hand over the camera so as not to show the layout of the city and their position.  Other times, the camera pans back and forth across the city, looking for signs of incoming Katyusha rocket strikes.  It’s wise not to further describe tactics and strategies.  The newspaper agency won’t allow me to give the customers a means (cell phone no.) to contact me directly to correct my mistakes, since that would be “subverting the company.”  I find myself on the wrong side of a confict, engaging in more terrorist-like tactics to defend my income.

Would You Like Brain Fries With That Sir?
The lunatic is on the grass.
The lunatic is on the grass.
Remembering games and daisy chains and laughs.
Got to keep the loonies on the path.

The lunatic is in the hall.
The lunatics are in my hall.
The paper holds their folded faces to the floor
And every day the paperboy brings more.

I compare the global war on terror to a thunderstorm.  Like a thunderstorm that's been building and throwing nothing but thunder and lightning around, it's time for the full fury of a good thunderstorm.  It'll do the earth some good.  There's too much energy in the air, too much hatred and weapons in Lebanon, Syria, Iran, North Korea, Somalia.

And if the cloud bursts, thunder in your ear
You shout and no one seems to hear.
And if the band you're in starts playing different tunes
I'll see you on the dark side of the moon.

Killer On The Road

Pissed
I guess I won’t write much of a blog this week. I’m too upset about too many things, the mideast war being just one of them.

Route Terrorism
I’m convinced that someone downtown has been intentionally entering bogus complaints on my record, just to deny me my $40 bonus every paycheck, and fatten the accounts of the Denver Newspaper Agency. Maybe I should hire a private investigator to figure it out. Hell, I should just take matters into my own hands. Maybe I should just sue somebody for fraud. I could call one of these people and verify the complaint. You can tell that my clarity of thought is compromised. Which, of course, results in more complaints, due to lack of concentration. The vicious cycle snowballs out of control.

They also entered a bogus subscription, just to keep me off balance. “Trojan, Sheik, & Bogusmann” sounds to me like some made-up customer, maybe because the first two names are those of condom manufacturers. Anyway, I don’t see how every single publication that I deliver would be subscribed too at the address of a construction site. The day after the construction workers yelled threats at me, the number of Wall Street Journal Subscriptions at this “customer” was increased to ten. Sorry people, I’ll only deliver enough papers that I can throw out the window with one motion without stopping. Just in case they try to ram my truck with a forklift or something, I’m arming myself. I already told two managers about this, and my instructions are to continue to place myself in a dangerous situation for the newspaper agency’s benefit.

All that lost pay has been adding up. Or should I say, “subtracting down”? Apparently, I’ve been bouncing checks, the cable company has been threatening me, I’m losing money each month. I’ll just have to borrow more money, and ratchet up my credit payments.

So, how can I handle the chronic complainers?

• I could deliver extra papers to make sure they get their paper.
• I can hit their door with the paper and wake them up.
• I can kick their door real hard, and make sure they wake up.
• I can dump their newspaper out and scatter it all over their doorstep.
• I can fill their newspaper bag with urine.
• I can throw the newspaper through their window.
• I can throw a rock through their window.
• I can slash their tires.
• I can build a potato cannon and launch a potato through their window.
• I can soak a potato in gasoline for a week and launch a flaming potato through their window.
• I can build a pipe bomb and throw that through their window.

Hamas Implodes
The PLO elected terrorist group Hamas for their leadership. Then, they’re too busy plotting the destruction of Israel to actually pay the people in their so-called “government.” Now, those people are rioting, crying, “We’re hungry!” Hamas is too greedy, too self-absorbed to be able to run even a tentative government. One thing the soothsayers got right is that the Palestinians are going to have to sort out what they need to do to create a workable government.

Bee Attack
I got stung by a bee. Damn thing. I was just minding my own business, throwing the paper route, and the bee came into my truck and stung me for no reason.

As above, so below.

The liberal peace-niks want to call for a cease-fire with Hezbollah. UN ambassador John Bolton said in no uncertain terms that you can’t negotiate a cease-fire with a bunch of terrorists. If a bee stings you on the road, you smack it, and go home. But if bees build a nest on the eaves of your home and keep coming through the window stinging your family, you don’t call for a cease-fire; you call in an exterminator and get rid of the bee’s nest. Condi Rice also rejected the possibility of a cease-fire. The terrorists just can’t be reasoned with.

More War News
I keep the TV turned onto the news most of the day. The coverage of the mideast crisis non-stop. I seriously think that Fox News suffers some sort of OCD. Before this started, Hannity & Colmes had become the “Duke Lacrosse Rape Scandal News Hour.” After that was the “Natalie Halloway News Hour.” Now the news all day is the “Israeli-Lebanon War Coverage Channel.”

One useful bit of information that came out of this was that these Islamofascists want to create war as a means of bringing forth the Islamic Messiah, the “tenth Imam”, and bringing about the end of the world. I suppose so that they can all go live as happy little dead Islamofascists in heaven with their seventy-two virgins. I could never understand how that works. Do they get to deflower the seventy-two virgins? That makes for seventy-two whoopies. Then what? Once they use up the seventy-two virgins, then they’re as good as married. Seventy-two times over. Which is like being in hell. Multiplied by seventy-two.

More Players
Last week, I forgot to add some important players to the list.

Iran supplies the rockets, the inspiration, the funding, the training, and the tactics, even the terrorists to Hezbollah.

China builds the rockets that Iran modifies and sends to Syria who supplies Hezbollah.

Equal Evil Rises Up

I’m establishing a pattern of updating this blog on a weekly basis, except for special occasions. The developing situation in the Middle East might have been such a special occasion. On the other hand, I’ve been rather busy lately. The newspaper agency decided to charge me for printing my route lists, and I decided it would be more cost-effective to maintain my own database and print my own route lists. So that’s what I’ve been working on.

Space Odyssey 2006
I remember the movie “2010: Odyssey Two” based on Arthur C. Clarke’s novel. There was a scene where the astronauts reached the abandoned space ship, and had begun their work of investigation and recovery. There was news of international political unrest, and worry of how that might affect the mission.

That scene is familiar now, as the NASA Space Shuttle program is once again underway, with Discovery. The reports and images of the astronauts’ space walks and work on the International Space Station have been coming through among reports of an escalating conflict between Israel and Hezbollah and Hamas terrorists in Lebanon and Gaza. At the same time, the UN Security Council has now formulated a historic resolution condemning North Korea’s missile firings last week. That’s the seven missiles that North Korea test fired on July 4th, Independence day, the day of the shuttle launch.

The International Space Station is being called a “toe-hold” to deeper space exploration, e.g. manned missions to mars. There are astronauts from countries that don’t have their own space vehicles. So the International Space Station is also a toe-hold to greater international cooperation in peaceful scientific development and space exploration, and as such serves to unite the nations of the earth under a common purpose.

Fox News issued a call for questions to send to the astronauts. I sent in the following:

Is the middle east political turmoil on the ground while you do your work in space reminiscent of a similar scenario in Arthur C. Clark's novel/movie, '2010: Odyssey Two'? What news do you get from Earth, and is that it all distracting for you?

WAR!
There’s been a lot of talk about whether or not this is actually war. Lebanon declares this conflict as open war. Bill O’Rielly declared (as if he has the authority) that this is in fact World War III. Last year sometime, some other military commander pundit declared that the Global War On Terror, which began with 9/11, is in fact, WW IV, with the Cold War being WW III. As World Wars go, they aren’t recognized as such until after the fact. Other more moderate pundits are calling this conflict a “border war”, not quite all-out war.

The events, as I know them, are as follows. June 25, Hezbollah terrorists abducted two Israeli soldiers. Israel responded with increasing attacks on Lebanon, blockading the country. July 12, Iran’s deadline to respond to the incentive package to cease uranium enrichment passed without the required response. The same day, Hezbolla began firing rockets out of Lebanon into Israeli cities. Rockets were also fired out of Gaza into Israel. Israel responded by destroying the Beirut airport fuel tanks in a spectacular blaze. Lebanon responded by firing more missiles into Israel. July 14, the UN condemned Israel’s response as being “disproportionate”; USA immediately vetoed the resolution. The Israeli ambassador agreed that the response was indeed “disproportionate”, but disproportionate in the sense that any other country would respond with much greater force to the provocative act of having it’s third largest city attacked.

On the Korean issue, today, July 15, the UN passed a compromised resolution condemning North Korea’s missile test launches, demanding that they stop, but with no “or else” clause. North Korea immediately thumbed their nose at the UN by rejecting the resolution. The UN is busy dealing with one issue at a time.

The Players
Lebanon is on the northern border of Israel, and lies between Israel and Syria. Lebanon is 4,015 sq. miles, same area as a square 63 miles on a side, equivalent to Delaware or Connecticut. Hezbollah is a terrorist militia faction that is effectively in control of Lebanon, in the same sense that the Taliban was in control of Afghanistan. Existing treaties required that Lebanon disarm all of its militias. Lebanon has done so with all militias except Hezbollah. Hezbollah is said to have 10,000 rockets stockpiled. Hezbollah gets its financial backing from Iran. In effect, Hezbollah is a hand puppet of Iran, which they are using to take over Lebanon, and carry out Iran’s threat to “wipe Israel off the map”.

Israel is on the east coast of the Mediterranean, the same land where Israel existed in biblical times. Israel is 8019 sq. miles, equivalent to Massachusetts. Israel was established in 1948 as a homeland for displaced Jews from WW II. Since then, Israel has been surrounded by hostile Arab neighbors, and has had the support of the USA.

Gaza Strip is a tiny strip of land of 135 square miles on the southwest corner of Israel. 135 square miles is a rectangle 5 miles wide, 27 miles long, which is the approximate shape of Gaza. The entire area would fit inside many American cities. My paper route might very well cover 135 square miles. The area is not recognized as belonging to any sovereign country. Israel withdrew its occupation of the area in 2005. Gaza Strip is where Hamas operates, similar to Hezbollah’s stranglehold on Lebanon.

Syria lies to the north of Israel, also on the east coast of the Mediterranean. Syria is 71,498 sq. miles, equivalent to North Dakota. Iran lies to the east. Syria has never had a direct conflict with the US, but has strong connections with Iran.

Soothsaying
International conflict isn’t the only source of turmoil. For the last few weeks there’s been an unusual rash of newspaper customers calling in complaints. Bogus complaints, legitimate complaints, non-consequential complaints, repeat complaints, you name it. And it’s not just me. Lots of paper carriers have seen this, though they don’t talk much about it.

Whenever there’s a lot of insanity going around people like to look for some cause. Who put what in the water? Ever since the Y2K scare, there’s been a lot of concern about End Time prophecies. Edgar Cayce prophesied a pole shift and geological disaster in 2005. The Mayan calendar ends in 2012. There’s prophecies of a huge meteor smashing the earth in 2012. War and rumors of war. Fire and brimstone. Dogs and cats living together. Your mortgage payments will be going up, some by as much as 50%. Those with weak credit histories will need help the most. Sorry, I’m OCDing on some annoying mortgage refinance commercial.

Turning back to my metaphysical background, astrology offers some hope of prognosticating the future. Not the fake sun-sign horoscope astrology that you read in the newspapers. Real astrology computes the exact position of all the planets, the sun, the moon, and the horizon at the exact time and location of an individual’s birth, and any other event of interest, along with the angular relationship between all of those points in relation to the zodiac, and all of the symbolic meaning of these things, all woven together in an artistic synthesis.

One of the general global influences that professional astrologers concern themselves with is the mercury retrograde. A mercury retrograde is supposed to be a time of missed communications, bad decisions, plans going awry, fire and brimstone. Well, guess what? Mercury went retrograde… get this… July 4th! This mercury retrograde will last until July 28th.

Another means of forecasting mental malfunction is the Geomagnetic Storm report. When there’s a lot of geomagnetic activity, radio communications are interfered with, spacecraft and satellites are effected, birds have difficulty navigating, people are upset more easily, fire and brimstone, dogs and cats living together. Okay. So, the report for July 1 – 15 shows a bit of activity around July 4 – 6, but not quite enough to endanger spacecraft or make people go crazy, cracking open each others heads, feasting on the goo within, babbling like idiots, firing pistols, missiles and rockets into the air, calling in bogus complaints about “missing” newspapers.

I’d like to put together a graphic tying together all the facts in a timeline. Realistically, I would have to attribute the insanity to the instigators of international turmoil. And all fingers seem to be pointing back to Iran. Iran just can’t leave Israel alone. They’ve got to keep stirring up trouble. And when they do, the turmoil goes out into the world in waves that affect everyone, and rebound like a ball in a pinball game.

Machiavelli
Radio DJ “Mancow” has been a regular guest on one of the morning news shows. Recently, he came on, explaining that he no longer had a radio show. He said that after 9/11, he was changed, he embraced Christian values, supported the war on terror, always talked about positive developments. But the radio station fired him because his values apparently didn’t agree with those of the radio station. He quoted Machiavelli

When you do good, equal evil rises up against you.

N. Korean Missile Crisis

N. Korean Missile Crisis

North Korea, led by Kim Jong Il, commonly recognized as a maniac, utilized our Independence Day as an opportunity to taunt the US by test firing seven missiles into the Sea of Japan. These missiles are supposedly Intercontinental Ballistic Missiles. However, the Korean ICBMs are actually little more than three SKUD missiles duct taped together, filled with enough fuel to reach Detroit, and (potentially) a nuke strapped on the top. The media duly has each other and the public in a panic, thinking that they’re intent on nuking the USA.

Meanwhile, the military is beside themselves with amusement as the “missiles” fail, fall apart, blow up, and fall into the sea 40 seconds after launch. To observe and monitor this charade, the navy has a few ships over there, tracking each one. Just in case one of these “missiles” actually gets over Japan, gets over the Pacific, and gets close to Hawaii or other US soil, there’s a Missile Defense System in place in Alaska and in California, ready to intercept and destroy any incoming missiles.

Some of the congressmen are of the opinion that we should preemptively destroy one of these missiles on the launch pad, or as soon as it gets in the air. Unfortunately, such an action would be an outright act of war, and would further encourage the Left-Wing lunatic moonbats that keep bleating “Bush Lied, People Died, blah blah blah”, and that (aside from WW II, WW I, Vietnam, the original Korean War, Bosnia, Somalia, etc. but excluding Afghanistan) the USA has never preemptively gone to war with another nation that did not attack us first until Iraq.

The position of the military and the Bush administration is that while Korea is essentially harmless, their theatrics are a threat to the region, very upsetting to Japan and world economy. Most importantly, they broke their word when they said they wouldn’t build nukes, missiles, and put the two together. The United States will not act alone – unilaterally – but is pressuring the international community to speak together with one voice.

Inside N. Korea, people are starving to death. Except for in Pyongyang. Pyongyang is where the privileged few live in the lap of Kim Jong Il’s luxury. The Pyongyang residents are systematically brainwashed, from grade school on, to think of Kim Jong Il as their divine savior and the United States as the incarnation of evil itself. Satellite photos of the region show all the surrounding countries lit up at night with electricity and industrialization, while N. Korea is an island of darkness. One reporter who visited the country, described it as being “frozen in time, stuck with 1953 technology” from when the Korean War ended. When the people were without food to eat, they were told to go into the country and eat pine needles, tree bark and grass.

Over at the UN, Japan has the place in an uproar. Everyone agrees that they should pass a “chapter 7” resolution, which paves the way for sanctions, and then war. Everyone, except Russia and China. China is said to be using N. Korea as a stick with which to poke the USA in the eye, while looking the other way. But since N. Korea refused to return the trains that China sent their food in on, China has moderated their position, to only supporting a “Presidential Condemnation” of N. Korea’s belligerent acts.

So the USA is putting pressure on China to put more pressure on N. Korea to stop pressing the “Fire” button. And it becomes a big international chess game, where there are contingencies on contingencies on what the response to the counter-response to the other guy’s response might be if we announce what we might do if they don’t tell the other guy to stop doing what that other guy doesn’t like. It would take a computer to run through all the different scenarios twelve steps into the future to determine what the most optimal course of action would be.

Response To My Independence Day Message

I sent my Independence Day Message to several friends and family. My conclusion was simple.

Support our troops, our Commander In Chief, our government, and their mission. To do any less is nothing more than hypocracy.

The maniac response was almost immediate.

Thanks, but if Bushco et al have their way, we'll all be fundamentalist christians who do only as the government tells us. I do support the troops through the USO and independent charities, I don't however believe a word that Mr. Bush and his cronies say and think that our freedoms are being pulled right out from under our feet in the name of never ending war for profit and complete control of the masses. Wake up and smell the fascism.

Okay. Fascism, huh. I suppose that this isn’t the Islamofascism that we’ve heard so much about. The terrorists have been coming back at us with the term “Amerofascism.” I suppose this person agrees with the terrorists then.

My response was simple:

You should take care of the BDS. It could lead to brain failure.

I didn’t mention the hypocracy of supporting the troops through USO while not wanting them to do their job in following the orders of their commanders and the Commander In Chief. Oh, and he’s now on my blocked sender list. Alright, enough.

Financial Times Still Commie Pinko Rag

Since the FT published the Imadumbjihad article, I’ve been watching some of what they publish. It’s really amazing how extremist this rag is, and how little attention they get for their views. I don’t have copies, but here’s a sampling.

• Anti-family sentiment
  A feature article expresses amazement that people still bear and raise children. Since child labor is now illegal in civilized countries, there is no economic reason to produce children, since they consume resources without adding to the labor pool.
  
• Endorses Corporate Criminal, Ken Lay
  In a memorial article dedicated to the late Kenneth Lay, founder of failed energy trading corporation Enron, the FT once again proclaims the accolades of an enemy of society. It’s okay to commit corporate fraud, as long as you make a profit.
  
• Supports Atheism
  Since it’s usually Islamic extremists that turn up as terrorists, apparently it’s a crime to be religious. Civilized people should give up on primitive, childish religious ideals and embrace peaceful atheism. Like Mao, Lenin, Stalin, Pol Pot, Hitler (!), and Saddam (?).

It seems the FT embraces ideals very similar to those of communist bloc countries. Sure enough, the FT thinks of Kim Jong Il as a strategic thinker, and not the least bit a madman.

In an online article,

“He appeared articulate and very knowledgeable about what was going on in the outside world,” says Moon Chung-in, a political scientist

Pyongyang Radio last month reported that Mr Kim’s favourite song includes the catchy line: “I will go my own way with hope, even though no one understands my mind”. The leader apparently sings it often and tells his senior officials that he will do his best to lead the army well.

Maybe it’s because the FT is a bunch of communist sympathizer pinkos that their paper is printed on pink paper.

Holy Rolley-Polley Rolling Fast

A bunch of Hollywood actor-activists (actor-ists?) have started what they call a “Rolling Fast” in protest of the war on terror, where everybody takes turns going for 24 hours without food. The thing got started by Mother Moonbat herself, Cindy Sheehan, on none other than Independence Day. 2,700 activists have joined the hunger-out, including Sean Penn, Susan Sarandon, Danny Glover and novelist Alice Walker.

An erratic diet from a 24-hour fast might actually contribute to weight gain. But I can see the point of “load sharing” by making the hunger strike a rolling fast. Right. And if I clean my dinner plate, not only will the rolling fasters share in my nourishment, but also the people in China no longer go hungry.

Of course Al Jazeera was among the first to repeat the story of their useful idiot Dhimmis to their terrorist constituents.

Celebrate Your Freedom

Consider the arrogance of the Islamists, who presume their religion as the one and only Islamic Nation, whose aim is to subjugate the entire human race to their theocracy under Sharia Law, and to subjugate non-Muslims as Dhimmis.

“Because the West is facing a concerted effort by Islamic jihadists, the motives and goals of whom are largely ignored by the Western media, to destroy the West and bring it forcibly into the Islamic world -- and to commit violence to that end even while their overall goal remains out of reach. That effort goes under the general rubric of jihad.”
- Jihad Watch

"Thus if [a] Muslim commits adultery his punishment is 100 lashes, the shaving of his head, and one year of banishment. But if the man is not a Muslim and commits adultery with a Muslim woman his penalty is execution...Similarly if a Muslim deliberately murders another Muslim he falls under the law of retaliation and must by law be put to death by the next of kin. But if a non-Muslim who dies at the hand of a Muslim has by lifelong habit been a non-Muslim, the penalty of death is not valid. Instead the Muslim murderer must pay a fine and be punished with the lash.... Since Islam regards non-Muslims as on a lower level of belief and conviction, if a Muslim kills a non-Muslim…then his punishment must not be the retaliatory death, since the faith and conviction he possesses is loftier than that of the man slain... Again, the penalties of a non-Muslim guilty of fornication with a Muslim woman are augmented because, in addition to the crime against morality, social duty and religion, he has committed sacrilege, in that he has disgraced a Muslim and thereby cast scorn upon the Muslims in general, and so must be executed.... Islam and its peoples must be above the infidels, and never permit non-Muslims to acquire lordship over them."
- Sultanhussein Tabandeh, A Muslim Commentary on the Universal Declaration of Human Rights, F. J. Goulding, translator, London, 1970.

"Dhimmitude is the status that Islamic law, the Sharia, mandates for non-Muslims, primarily Jews and Christians. Dhimmis, "protected people," are free to practice their religion in a Sharia regime, but are made subject to a number of humiliating regulations designed to enforce the Qur'an's command that they "feel themselves subdued" (Sura 9:29). This denial of equality of rights and dignity remains part of the Sharia, and, as such, are part of the legal superstructure that global jihadists are laboring to restore everywhere in the Islamic world, and wish ultimately to impose on the entire human race."
- Dhimmi Watch

Now consider the usual celebration of our Independence Day in America. We live in blissful ignorance or our past and of threats outside our continent, or even outside our hometown.

Then we'll eat and laugh, shielding ourselves from the heat of the fire with our free hand while holding our hot dog roasting sticks in the other. When the darkness finally begins to gather we'll throw another log on the fire, toast marshmallows and sit back to watch the fireworks rising in the sky over Conneaut Lake Park, just a half mile across the water.It is unlikely there will be any discussions of the meaning of liberty or reflections on the Declaration of Independence and the men who signed it. No history lessons or patriotic readings. We'll just relax and joke and maybe sing a little, and after the fireworks we'll look at the stars as we herd sleepy grandchildren back to our cottages or drive home to tumble into bed to the sound of the last few firecrackers and bottle rockets.That's the whole point of it, you know. The whole point. To be so free, so much a part of something unique and strong and wonderful, so safe inside that wonderful thing called the United States, that you really don't even have to think about it.
- TCS Daily

But now consider the reality of what took place 230 years ago. The founding fathers put their lives on the line to secure not just their own fundamental freedom and human rights, but as a precedent to secure that freedom for the future of the human race.

"It is the good fortune of many to live distant from the scene of present sorrow; the evil is not sufficiently brought to their doors to make them feel the precariousness with which all American property is possessed…

"Men of passive tempers look somewhat lightly over the offences of Great Britain, and, still hoping for the best, are apt to call out, "Come, come, we shall be friends again for all this." But examine the passions and feelings of mankind: bring the doctrine of reconciliation to the touchstone of nature, and then tell me whether you can hereafter love, honour, and faithfully serve the power that hath carried fire and sword into your land? If you cannot do all these, then are you only deceiving yourselves, and by your delay bringing ruin upon posterity. Your future connection with Britain, whom you can neither love nor honour, will be forced and unnatural, and being formed only on the plan of present convenience, will in a little time fall into a relapse more wretched than the first. But if you say, you can still pass the violations over, then I ask, hath your house been burnt? Hath your property been destroyed before your face? Are your wife and children destitute of a bed to lie on, or bread to live on? Have you lost a parent or a child by their hands, and yourself the ruined and wretched survivor? If you have not, then are you not a judge of those who have. But if you have, and can still shake hands with the murderers, then are you unworthy the name of husband, father, friend or lover, and whatever may be your rank or title in life, you have the heart of a coward, and the spirit of a sycophant."
- Thomas Paine, “Common Sense”, January 1776

"56 men, a little band so unique we have never seen their like since, had pledged their lives, their fortunes and their sacred honor. Some gave their lives in the war that followed, most gave their fortunes, and all preserved their sacred honor… In recent years, however, I've come to think of that day as more than just the birthday of a nation. It also commemorates the only true philosophical revolution in all history. Oh, there have been revolutions before and since ours. But those revolutions simply exchanged one set of rules for another. Ours was a revolution that changed the very concept of government. Let the Fourth of July always be a reminder that here in this land, for the first time, it was decided that man is born with certain God-given rights; that government is only a convenience created and managed by the people, with no powers of its own except those voluntarily granted to it by the people. We sometimes forget that great truth, and we never should.
- Ronald Reagan

It is unfortunate that discussions such as this are often unacceptable because it is “political” or “religious” in nature. Yet the freedom to hold and discuss political and religious beliefs according to one’s own conscience is one of the basic rights that our country is founded on.

“I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it.”
- Voltaire, “Candide”, 1759

I only ask that you not condemn those who fight for your freedom for doing so.

Freedom is not free. Support our troops, our commander in chief, our government, and their mission. To do any less is nothing more than hypocrisy.

Imadumbjihad

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Maniac

Sighted, 6/23/06:

1. 3:30-ish AM. I notice that the Carbon Monoxide Nazi Bitch has willingly parked her car far away from me so as not to be affected by the miniscule amount of emissions from my vehicle. I decide to let my engine idle, as is my habit, while reviewing my route list before heading out. Five minutes later, I've completed the review (beats spending 10 seconds per address en route like a newbie Camera carrier). I notice out of the corner of my eye that Miss Carbon Monoxide is peeking around the corner of the door to check on my (in)activities. As I pull away, the five seconds of elapsed time has been enough for the invisible cloud of Carbon Monoxide that I have created to dissipate so that Miss Carbon Monoxide's alergies won't be activated, and she can safely cross the parking lot to her vehicle. All is well.
   
2. 4:30-ish AM. I turn onto Blackbird Road, drive 3/10 mile, get into turn lane to turn onto Femur Road. Notice that Maniac #2 is tailgating me, trying to pass on left to get into left-hand turn lane around me. Cut off said tailgaiter. Tailgaiter continues to tailgate another 2/10 miles until my next turn. Speed estimated to be 5 MPH over speed limit. Distracted by the tailgaiter, I neglect to use turn signal, knowing that my brake lights will indicate an impending maneuver. As I turn, the tailgaiter honks his horn, blasts past, accelerates to an estimated 20 MPH over speed limit. Let me guess. "OHMANOHMANOHMAN IGOTTAGOPEEREALBAD!!! JESUSCHRISTIGOTTAGETHOMEIGOTTAGOSOBADICAN'TSTANDIT!!! WHYISTHISGUYGOINGSODAMNDESLOWJESUSCHRISTJUSTGET OUTAMYWAY!!!!!"
3. 6:30-ish AM. A fat walrus-like figure, apparently female as evidenced by a pair of breasts, fluffy Bozo-like hair sticking out of the sides of a ball-cap, chasing my truck down the street like a rabid dog. Shouting something, mostly unintelligible, but something like "BLAAAH! BLAHBLAHBLAHBLAAAAAHHH! BLAH BLAH!!! I SAW YOU BLAAAH!!! BLAAAH! BLAHBLAHBLAH!!! YOU BLAH! BLAAAHH!! YOU JUST BLAH BLAH!!! GET BACK HERE YOU BLAHH BLAH!!!!! BLAH! BLAAAHH!!!" You saw me what? Delivering newspapers? Driving down the roadway? Massacring some microbes upon the roadway with my vehicle as I drove over them? I drive away from Maniac #3 unscathed, but wonder to myself, "What am I, flypaper for freaks? Is there a Freak Vortex here in GumWrapper?

NY Times: Useful Idots

The New York Times proves yet again to be the definition of the term "useful idiot." Within hours of publishing the story leaking classified info about tracking movement of terrorist funds, the same story was published on the terrorists' Al Jazeera web site. The Al Jazeera article discusses details of how banking data is obtained, and what types of data is obtained. Al Jazeera also describes the ever-shifting nature of the Global War On Terror, and how strategies are constantly adjusted.

"We know the terrorists pay attention to our strategy to fight them, and now have another piece of the puzzle of how we are fighting them," (Deputy White House press secretary, Dana) Perino said.

"We also know they adapt their methods, which increases the challenge to our intelligence and law enforcement officials."

The White House had asked that the story not be run, but the NY Times and the Los Angeles Times both ran the story any, in spite or requests not to do so "for national security reasons". Conservative bloggers, Fox News, and other news entities have been actively speaking out against the publishing of the story.

Useful Idiots

The term "useful idiot" was used during the Cold War era to describe the Soviet attitude towards Soviet sympathisers within the US. The actual origins of the term are obscured, but are strongly rumored to have been coined by Lenin. In a private memo during the Genoa conference of 1922 considering post-WW I economic reconstruction, Lenin wrote

Henderson is as stupid as Kerensky, and for this reason he is helping us.

It suits us that Genoa be wrecked... but not by us, of course.

In effect, when an opponent takes a position to "be fair", an unscrupulous individual, group or government finds it useful to take full advantage of their opponents compromised position. Just as the Soviets found comments by American peace activists and Soviet sympathisers to be useful to their cause, so to stories by the NY Times and LA Times which disclose classified security operations are useful to the al Qaeda terrorists.

In WW II, the slogan was "loose lips sink ships." Today, it's quite the opposite.

UPDATE: I know it's been a while since I've been actively blogging. Oh well, life happens. I feel that this is important enough to write about, and draw some supportive attention to. Thanks to the following:
Cao's Blog
Blogs For Bush
Dr. Sanity
The Daily Brief
Neo-Neocon
Michelle Malkin
Moonbattery
Outside The Beltway
The Nose On Your Face

Ted Roosevelt on Imigration

Others have been blogging about the border security issue. Some have said that this has been reaching a boiling point. Today there were walkouts and work stoppages across the country in protest of proposed bills that would illegalize support of illegal immigrants. I think it's a good time to bring this up.

Theodore Roosevelt's ideas on Immigrants and being an AMERICAN in 1907.

"In the first place, we should insist that if the immigrant who comes here in good faith becomes an American and assimilates himself to us, he shall be treated on an exact equality with everyone else, for it is an outrage to discriminate against any such man because of creed, or birthplace, or origin. But this is predicated upon the person's becoming in every facet an American, and nothing but an American...There can be no divided allegiance here. Any man who says he is an American, but something else also, isn't an American at all. We have room for but one flag, the American flag... We have room for but one language here, and that is the English language.. And we have room for but one sole loyalty and that is a loyalty to the American people."

Theodore Roosevelt 1907

Fog of War

I received the following anecdote in an email this morning:

A Japanese company and an American company decided to have a canoe race on the Missouri River. Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race. On the big day, the Japanese won by a mile.

The Americans, very discouraged and depressed, decided to investigate the reason for the crushing defeat. A management team made up of senior management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action.

Their conclusion was the Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the American team had 8 people steering and 1 person rowing.

So American management hired a consulting company and paid them a large amount of money for a second opinion. They advised that too many people were steering the boat, while not enough people were rowing.

To prevent another loss to the Japanese, the rowing team's management structure was totally reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 3 area steering superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering manager. They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 1 person rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called the "Rowing Team Quality First Program," with meetings, dinners and free pens for the rower. There was discussion of getting new paddles, canoes and other equipment, extra vacation days for practices and bonuses.

The next year the Japanese won by two miles! Humiliated, the American management laid off the rower for poor performance, halted development of a new canoe, sold the paddles, and canceledall capital investments for new equipment.

The money saved was distributed to the Senior Executives as bonuses, and the next year's racing team was outsourced to India....

How true, how true. In my experience, I would add only one modification. The money saved would be distributed to the Senior Executives as multi-million dollar severance packages, and the rowing team would be sold to the Japanese. The American Senior Executives would then add the experience to their resume as another “success story,” and form a new American rowing team with a group of Indian nationals with visas for working in the US. Witness Carly Fiorina, former CEO of HP, who was paid an estimated total of $42 million in severance to leave the company after the merger with Compaq failed to produce the benefits that she promised.

I was thinking just this morning about another micromanagement experience I had as a Software Support Engineer. As a computer engineer, my imagination can run wild when I get bored. So when I’m out driving around, throwing papers, I get to think about, remember, and dwell on all sorts of things.

As a Software Support Engineer, it was my job to investigate and resolve problems in my employer’s software components, which were used by other professional software engineers in their development projects. The issue that I remember was interesting because it involved some actual investigation, instead of simply reading appropriate publicly available knowledge base articles to the customer. Shortly after I got down to the “meat” of the problem, I got a phone call from what turned out to be a manager leading her team in a conference call. The manager wanted to know why I hadn’t resolved the problem, how long it would take, how many people were working on the problem, what criteria defined the problem as being “complex,” if I could provide hourly updates of progress, and what she could do to get more resources on the problem. I explained as tactfully as I could that it would take a day or two, that the process was a one-person job, and that the best thing that she could do to help would be to leave me alone and let me actually do the work.

In retrospect, I think that now I would conference call in my manager, and say something like “Hi, this is Mark here with a customer for issue number 987654. The customer’s manager wants to micromanage my work instead of letting me do the work. You know how it is, fog of war, Mythical Man Month, that sort of thing. Can you take care of this for me please? Thanks. Bye.”

The fog of war is a well-known phenomenon where the various unknowns in war make it impossible to plan or coordinate with much clarity. The battlefield would be clouded with smoke, and the troops would loose sight of each other and the enemy, and go charging off in the wrong direction and get lost. It also refers to the lack of intelligence of the enemy’s plans and tactics, and results in surprise attacks. In the context of computer problems, I’m using the term to refer to the lack of knowledge of the cause, nature and extent of the problem, which prevents any accurate forecasting of the eventual resolution of the problem.

In the context of the current global war on terror, there is a fog of war in that the enemy has no national identity to go to war against. The enemy hides among us, and uses our own resources for their purposes. The enemy elicits the sympathy of the gullible who feel compelled to defend the rights of the oppressed, without realizing that they are empowering the oppressors. The enemy abuses the media that finds the terrible to be the most newsworthy, transforming them into useful idiots. Witness the effects of Cindy Sheehan, Michael Moore, Ward Churchill, and others. These people want the war to end immediately, want immediate withdrawal from Iraq. Yet they have even less idea of the problems and potential problems being faced by both the Americans and the Iraqis if we were to withdraw. The anti-war protestors are in a fog about why we’re in a war in the first place.

The Mythical Man Month was a book that was required reading when I was a senior in college. It describes how IBM developed the OS/360 operating system, and how over-managing a project results in a later project because of additional training, management, and coordination required.

So what happened to my Software Support Engineer job? The executive management was on its third CEO in as many years. The Sales organization appropriated the Support organization away from the Engineering organization. The product line that I was to support was scheduled to change every two weeks. I didn’t know what I was supposed to be doing, and I insisted that I be left on one product for a minimum of three months so that I could get established. Two weeks later, I was laid off for poor productivity. Shortly afterward, 9/11 happened, the company moved on to its 4th CEO, then was sold to a competitor. And because I hadn’t spent 20 hours a day for the past 15 years learning the newest technology, nobody in the computer industry wanted to hire me. And I decided that I could at least make a living delivering newspapers.

Muffin Top

There's another "My world has gone to hell again, and I'm fighting valiantly to regain some sanity" post in the works to follow up for another anger management / succumbing to entropy series.

While I rebuild my computer, and recover my data that's lost in limbo-land, I'm having a hell of a good time following some of the humor / pull-my-finger / fart-joke / moonbat documentary blogs. Might as well. This photo from Caption This is an example of what's called a "muffin top". Not referring to the hood.

Which brings me to my next wikipedia term of the day:
Muffin Top - slang for people who wear both tight pants and midriff-bearing tops. The resulting spillage of skin resembles a muffin top.

Oh, and the photo is of Cindy Sheehan being arrested yet again, blah blah blah blah, whatever. I suppose the pink bib is a police issue drool bucket or something, I don't know. Be careful of the gnashing teeth too, I think they drip acidic saliva.

"Gentlemen, do not look at her face; her gaze can turn a man to stone. For your protection, we've placed a protective hood over her eyes."

Brokeback Hollywood

I used to get the impression that hollywood producers believe that everyone gets laid as often as they eat a meal. In my case, we're still collecting enough data to produce a meaningful statistical analysis, but so far it looks like the next time I get to eat is 8.4 year from now. I used to look forward to eating, but after finding out about this I don't think I'll ever eat anything again.

At first, the movies were about cowboys and indians. Then it was marines and aliens. Now they've gone back to the westerns, except this time it's cowboys and cowboys.

Entropy Again

Snow day. Day 2, Part 2. Low of 6 deg. F, wind chill -3 deg. F. Last week (part I), I could barely stay on the roads going 15 MPH. Spun out, doing a 180 in front of some guy that was shovelling his driveway right about the time that I'm contractually obligated to have the route completed. He looked at me like I was a terrorist. Had to go back out into the intersection, make a U-turn in the intersection, make another pass at his cul-de-sac, then deliver his paper at his feet.

Somebody else thought I was a terrorist. I don't know if it was his car that barked at me as I walked past it, but his comments of "I hope that was a newspaper you just threw... BOOM!!!" were ever so slightly rattling.

Whenever there's a snow day, the truck - the one that brings the papers from Denver to the warehouse - is an hour late. That's an hour later than they are usually late, which makes them two hours late on snow days.

"How are the roads out there?"
"Are you an olympic figure skater? 'Cause if you're not, you ain't gonna have a very good time getting to work"
You'd think that the Denver Post could check their own weather forcast, and step up production and delivery of the paper when there's bad weather. But it's not like an organization that big to have any sense of the big picture.

"How come you're so late?"
"Dude, on days like this, hurrying just makes it worse."
I wonder if that's why the truck driver was drunk when he finally showed up at the warehouse. On a snow day.

President Cheney shot some lawyer. Or maybe it was Dan Quayle. Either way, good for him. Oh, and all the newspapers all felt jilted that he didn't report the crime to them for 18 whole seconds. "It was as if the country was decapitated for those 18 seconds."

I managed to get 245 MB worth of spam from the past three years to my postmaster account at emporium-sw.com cleaned up. That's 31 spam messages a day for 3 years. Some 33,169 messages. Uh-huh, yep, and that's right. I got Outlook set up with that account, and set up a rule to delete everything that comes into it. And everything that comes into the server for some made-up account that doesn't exist gets dumped into a blackhole.

Now that I'm not hitting my disk space quota on the server, I can put some ebay listings up there. I even got the new auction software installed. 'Cause the old software quit working, 'cause they quit maintaining it, 'cause ebay changed their rules so those people couldn't write their software like that anymore. So they're basically out of business, until they can re-write their software all over again.

And the truck's been overheating. Well, not since it's been so freakin' freezin' cold. But before that, it was boiling over. I don't know what's going on, everything is new again except the engine block itself. Since I replaced the power steering for a cool $800 just a week ago, I'm a little embarrassed to take it in right away and say "You know that new radiator you put in last summer? Well it's plugged up already."

But still, the overall cost of repairs is still less than the combined cost of payments and insurance on a new vehicle. So I'm happy that every repair is one more major component that I shouldn't have to worry about for a while. Stoicism is the only thing that keeps me sane anymore.

Wait, there's still more driving me to the edge of going postal. Some guy was taking his dog out for a pee, and the dog turned vicious and was ready to rip me a new one. Probably 'cause I was wearing the burglar hat that day, 'cause it was so cold. Oh, and some lady whispered under her breath "I don't like you" at me in my burglar hat that day. So that's when I got the pepper spray. You know, just in case.

Well, it seems the idea of wanting to protect myself has been drawing in all the more wierdos. Even the ring of bag-thiefs at the distribution center is having a hard time, since they stopped getting the designated national's bags for us. Now I have to put all the papers in those cheapey rice bags that fall apart as soon as you think about them. I went to throw a USA Today over the top (of the truck), and the paper flew out the bottom of the bag onto the street. In the snow. Furtunately, its too cold to get a wet paper complaint. Stoicism again.

The USA Today was extraordinarily fat today, so that's probably why it flew out of the bottom of the bag. It's probably full of coverage of Cheney's shooting rampage.

Although I did get a wet paper complaint on a perfectly dry, but windy day. The explanation for that was the phone menu on the complaint hotline. Remember the Springfield Emergency Hotline when Bart tried to report Flanders as a murderer? "If you are being murdered, press one..." [Bart presses random key] "You have selected 'Regicide.' To report the name of the king or queen being murdered, press one..."

I should just refuse to deliver any more national newspapers until they get more bags for us. 'Course, I'd lose my job right away. My boss takes every opportunity possible to threaten me with my livelihood. The memo congratulating us on winning the lowest complaint-rate contest also ended with a threat to our livelihoods if we didn't improve the complaint-rates.

I was also threatened with my livelihood when I bit some girl's head off for parking too close to my truck, then complaining that I was in her way.

According to the liberals, if I use enough of words like 'terrorist', 'target', 'suspect', 'bombed' and 'killed' in some out-of context way, the NSA will pick up these blog entries off of the internet, report my suspect activities to my employer, give me a 35% pay cut for some made-up reason, cancel my (non-existent) health insurance, put me in the FBI database, have me shipped off to Guantanamo Bay, where I'll be beaten with rubber hoses, hosed and raped with a Koran, have rubber bands tied around my gonads, then be beheaded by some Special Forces commando dressed up as one of those wonderful Islamofascist thugs, er, I mean terrorists, er, I mean "insurgent", er, I mean "freedom fighter."

And one of these guys wants me to listen to talk radio while I work. Dude, they know that the only people that listen to talk radio are pathetic liberal losers that can't formulate their own opinions and need opinions spoon-fed to them by some anti-American Democrat's tool. I don't need to listen to something that's just going to piss me off while I'm trying to work.

Jelly Jihad Continues

Another Danish pastry containing an apparent image of the prophet Mohammed has surfaced today. At a bakery in Detroit Michigan, Joseph stopped by for some donuts. “The idea was to celebrate the Superbowl victory of the Steelers,” Joseph explained. “When I saw those danishes, I decided they were so tasty, I asked for a dozen of those instead. It wasn’t until I got to the office that I found the one with the li’l Arab dude.”

That was only the beginning. “Bill was just going to eat it, and Sue said something like ‘Don’t eat that! Isn’t that one of the 9/11 terrorists? You might hurt somebody.’” Sue was on to something that would change all of their lives in a profound way. “So we gave her this look, like, WTF, and she says ‘You know, hurt somebody’s feelings.’ I was about to take a bite, when Sue grabs it out of my hand and heads over to Mohammed’s desk.

“We always thought Mohammed was just one of the guys, kind of a mamma’s boy, you know, knew his internet protocol stuff pretty well, but kind of secretive. Well, Mohammed just goes postal. It really surprised all of us. It was really unexpected.” It turned out that Mohammed was a secretive but avid knife collector. Omar produced an 11-inch dagger from his desk, and began absent-mindedly stabbing the Blue Angels calendar on his cubicle wall while muttering “no more blood for oil… no more blood for oil…” The stabbing quickly turned to hacking, followed by violent thrashing, as his targets became more human, and his chant turned to something Arabic, followed by a shouted “JELLY JIHAD!!! JELLY JIHAD!!! JELLY JIHAD!!!”

Sensing the growing unrest in the American heartland, Iranian police (yes, police, from Iran, as oxymoronic as that sounds) knew the embassy of Denmark, the pastry’s namesake country, would be subject to the inevitable jelly jihad. As if a hundredth monkey episode had overtaken their conscious minds, a group of protesters appeared at the Danish embassy just moments after the cartoon Danish appeared, and Mohammed lost it. Some of the protesters carried signs with slogans such as “Behead Pastry Chefs,” “Daneland [sic] Will Have It’s 9/11,” and “Exterminate Those Who Bake Jelly.”

At the office where the offending Danish appeared, the building was in flames. Sue grabbed a black tablecloth from the company cafeteria, cut an eye-slit in it, covered herself, and ran outside as the sole survivor, only seconds before the building exploded in a huge mushroom cloud. Speculation persists as to whether the suitcase nuke that apparently caused the explosion originated from Iran, or from President Bush.

Investigators have located and examined the charred remains of the offending Danish, and have traced the jelly to the Sucker’s Jelly company. Local Muslims, having learned from the internet that Sucker’s created the jelly that spontaneously generates Mohammed cartoons, confronted company president, Richard “Dick” Sucker. Mr. Sucker at first explained that the morphing jelly technology was obtained from the pantry on board the alien spacecraft from the 1947 Roswell New Mexico crash. The Muslims protesting the cartooning jelly would not accept, or understand the alien origins of the cartooning jelly. Without attempting to further explain the spontaneous cartooning of the jelly, Mr. Sucker eventually apologized. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry that you guys are such jerks. I’m sorry that you just don’t get it. And I’m sorry that you have to throw such a temper tantrum over our little publicity stunt. But I’m not sorry that we made the cartoon danishes.”

In Tehran Iran, President Ahmadinejad has announced a bake sale where participants are encouraged to bake camel dung containing images of President Bush in bed with Hitler, Hillary Clinton in bed with Hitler, Hillary in bed with President Bush, Bill Clinton in bed with Satan, and endless such combinations.

Special Thanks: Moonbattery.com, Willisms.com, Outside The Beltway, The Nose On Your Face, little green footballs, Clarity & Resolve, Dr. Sanity, Michelle Malkin

Zealot Seen In Pastry, Fajitas Ordered

Mary was enjoying her coffee and the morning newspaper at a Boise Idaho coffee house when she decided to order a danish, a jelly filled pastry apparently invented in the country of it's namesake. When the breakfast treat arrived, she was shocked to find a clearly insulting caracature of the renouned prophet/zealot, Mohammed within the jelly and swirls of sweetened bread. When Mary informed the waitress about the faux pas, the waitress insisted, "Oh I don't know anything about that. I just deliver them, I don't have anything else to do with them. You'll have to talk to the chef about that."

Mary asked to talk to the chef, and the waitress also refused any knowledge or responsibility for the whereabouts of the chef, as that was not in any way, shape, or form specified within her contract as a waitress. Filled with uncontrollable jelly rage at being snubbed, Mary stormed the kitchen shouting, "There's a zealot in my danish!"

The chef, upon inspecting the pastry, claimed that he didn't intentionally create any image of Mohammed within the danish, but the image spontaneously appeared on it's own. "It's just a trick of your eyes! You're only imagining it! There is no picture of Mohammed in this pastry" the chef further backpeddled.

Meanwhile, Mohammed, sitting at a nearby table wondered what all the excitement was about. Always spoiling for a good Jihad, Mohammed glanced in the general direction of the table containing the offending danish, and rose from his table. "WHAT!!! Another disrespectful cartoon of my beloved prophet!!!" the shiek shrieked. "I am hereby ordering a Fajita against this... this... INFIDEL chef!!! And all other non-muslim chefs throughout the world!!!" The shrieking shiek then produced a 59-year old AK-47 model Russian machine gun from his turbin, and fired a volley of rounds into the cieling.

At the same moment, further unrest eruputed at several muslim political communities known as "countries" contained stronghold fortress "embassies" held by non-muslim european "countries". Nearby these infidel strongholds, groups of angry muslims, subconsciously sensing unrest withing a foreign land, spontaneously stormed the embassies, at first marching with protest signs, and burning flags. The violence quickly turned to throwing of molotov coctails - a homemade gasoline bomb - , pushing down of gates and fenses surrounding the embassies, and a series of suicide bombers exploding within the embassy walls.

In Iran, president Ahmadinejad, who is also offended by cartoon danishes, promised his minion that he would complete his work on a nuclear bomb, and that the first ICBM would be headed straight for Boise, Idaho. Meanwhile, non-muslim chefs everywhere were ordered to behead themselves with their own cleavers. Those who do not own cleavers, or refuse to cooperate will be beheaded by the nuclear shiek, the shrieking shiek, and any compassionate jihadist muslim who feels sympathy for the plight of muslims oppressed by the appearance of cartoon danishes.

Addendum:
Credit where credit is due. Special thanks to moonbattery.com, Willisms.com, Outside The Beltway

Blame Bush: a photo essay

I am so sick to death of the democrats, liberals, and moonbats blaming everything possible on Bush. I'm not even going to bring up John Conyers' and Ray McGovern's silly trial and indictment of the Bush administration's crimes against humanity. Why, the evidence is overwhelming. Here's a parade of witnesses speaking out against the attrocities of the Bush Administration.

Not only has President George W. Bush, 43rd president of the United States of America rigged both of his elections...

George Bush has personally permanently altered the New York City Skyline.

George Bush not only created hurricane Katrina and blew up the levees in an effort of ethnic cleansing,

George Bush created a massive hurricane on Jupiter, big enough to swallow a thousand earths, that has destroyed countless civilizations throughout the entire universe, and thousands of parallel universes, for trillions of years. Trillions, and trillions, and trillions.

George Bush washed the soil off of my farm, right down to the bedrock!


George Bush dumped toxic nuclear waste in my favorite fishing hole!


George Bush looked up my dress!


George Bush made demons posess my cat.


George Bush turned my dog into a zombie!


George Bush turned me into a hippopotamus. Well I got better. Mostly.


George Bush turned my teeth into corn!


George Bush sold me these glasses.


George Bush stole candy from my baby!


George Bush made me cry too. And he killed my baby with his bare hands! Baby killer!


George Bush made my butt look fat. Or something. I can't tell anymore.


And George Bush made my butt look fat too.


And mine too.


All in all, George Bush has made a total wreck of the whole country! How could this happen?

Chappaquiddick

I probably don’t need to apologize for not posting much lately. Seeing as how only random visitors read my blog anyway. The truth is that I’ve been busy getting my state sales taxes straightened out, which means getting the rest of my accounting straightened out. And I’ve just been fatigued, depressed, and not really sure what I want to do when I grow up. I know, I’m 42. I’d like to write about some of the fascinating metaphysical stuff that I’ve been finding. At the same time, the politics and the war really bug me with the way so many moonbats keep blaming everything possible on the president. And I’m not so sure if my metaphysical friends would understand how I feel about the politics, and I’m not sure if any potential political allies would appreciate my metaphysical interests. I guess that’s just one of my life’s missions.

Chappaquiddick
You know how in the X-Files, how Mulder would always go visit his mom at Martha’s Vineyard. I never knew where that place was, or if it was real. I suspected it was real, ‘cause I’d seen the name in other places. It turns out that Martha’s Vineyard isn’t a real vineyard, but it’s an island off the coast of Massachusetts. And there’s this little island right next to it called Chappaquiddick. They’re connected by a little sandbar that gets flooded over during storms, and the only way to get across is by 4-wheel drive. So they have a ferry that goes back and forth called the On Time Ferry, which only holds three cars. And once you get to Chappaquiddick, the place is tiny. There’s only one store, that’s also a mechanic’s garage. It only has 150 residents, but somehow 450 houses, the rest of which I suppose are rented out to vacationers or time-shared or something like that, I don’t know. And these people think of themselves as their own little country, separate from America, which isn’t really a country, but a pair of continents that has several countries, one of which is the USA. But that’s not the point.

Well, there’s this senator, Ted Kennedy. I found out that this Senator Ted Kennedy is actually the brother of president John F. Kennedy. That’s right, the one that got shot in Dallas, and caused all those conspiracy theories. And his other brother, Robert, got shot too. I guess having that much tragedy in the family could make some people go crazy. I understand that JFK’s wife, Jackie lost it and went and did some weird stuff. But I’ll have to go read about all that some other time.

So this Senator Ted Kennedy started drinking. I mean, a LOT. And like most alcoholics, he denies it, and refuses any kind of help. And the guy’s big. I mean ENORMOUS. Maybe it’s the alcohol or something, ‘cause I don’t think it’s genes. His other brothers, Jack (what they called JFK), and Robert never got fat. All this, and they still let Ted Kennedy be a senator for some reason. I think maybe there’s a lot of people that had similar family tragedies, and sympathize with him, so they keep electing him senator. Which is really unfortunate, ‘cause we don’t need a nation of losers being run by a congress full of losers.

The connection is that Senator Kennedy made Chappaquiddick Island famous one day. They were having some sort of frat party political drink-a-thon sort of thing there one day. This was back in 1969, by the way. And Senator Kennedy, drunk as a skunk, went driving off with some hooker. They called these girls “boiler room girls”, which sounds like hooker to me. Except instead of prostituting themselves for money, they prostitute themselves for some politician’s campaign.

And, drunk as a skunk, with a political hooker in the passenger seat, Senator Kennedy went driving off of a bridge into a canal. He said he dove into the canal to save the girl, then rested on the bank, then went to call his lawyer. I’m not sure how successfuly a big lard-ass like that could dive into a canal to save a girl from a submerged car. Blubber floats doesn’t it? That’d be like a 10-foot cork trying to dive. It ain’t gonna happen. It wouldn’t surprise me that he got all out of breath and had to rest on the bank either. But when they pulled the car out, there wasn’t any water inside. Not enough to drown someone. And I’d think that the girl would be able to get the door open herself. For some reason, they never did an autopsy to find out whether she drowned, or suffocated.

The whole thing was real, real suspicious. Maybe that’s just another of the family tragedies that made Ted Kennedy go crazy, and drove him to drink, and get fat. Fatter. I don’t know what physical condition he was in at the time.

Alito Confirmation

Fast-forward 37 years later to the present day. There’s this judge, Sam Alito, that they’ve been trying to get appointed to the Supreme Court. Well, here’s Senator Ted Kennedy, making an ass of himself, ‘cause he and some other liberal and democratic congressmen don’t want Alito confirmed to the Supreme Court. Instead of just voting against the confirmation, and letting the votes speak for themselves, they gotta pull a bunch of stupid stunts. First, they drill Alito on anything they can come up with, put words in his mouth, don’t let him answer the questions, even though he answered the questions anyway with a lot more wisdom than the senators that were posing the questions. They even threatened to filibuster, you know, where they read from War And Peace, from recipe books, phone books, and other nonsense just so nobody else can talk.

Why don’t they want Alito on the Supreme Court? As near as I can tell, it’s ‘cause they’re afraid he’ll reverse Roe vs. Wade. That’s the decision that makes abortion legal. Senator Kennedy was only pro-choice after Roe vs. Wade; before that he was pro-life. That’s like when I was a kid, and didn’t care about football, I would root for whichever team was ahead.

Abortion is one of those fringe topics that only affects a select few people. I hate to offer an opinion on abortion, because whichever side I take, someone will hate me for it. I have a certain sympathy for the unborn soul that has it’s life prematurely ended before it ever got started. It sounds a lot like my computer career. But I would have to say that abortion is one of those procedures that we should be grateful for, but on rare occasions where it really serves a positive, useful purpose. Abortion should remain a legal option, but I would strongly urge pregnant mothers and doctors to consider all possible alternatives before opting for abortion.

Over at Moonbattery.com, Van Helsing tells about how Senator Kennedy rants that all hell will break loose if Alito is confirmed. Of course by now, he already has been confirmed. But he says women will be force-aborted en-masse, slavery will be re-instituted, cub scouts will carry out the works of terrorists, dogs and cats will be living together. He says he’ll eat a baby for every vote to confirm Alito. He threatened to roll around on the senate floor, and throw a temper tantrum. Whenever I behaved like that, I was sent to my room without supper. Yet, for some strange reason, they still let Ted Kennedy be a senator.

This isn’t the first time that Senator Kennedy has attempted to harass a Supreme Court nominee out of confirmation. Apparently, he said the same things when Robert Bork was appointed in 1987. I can’t find who was saying it, but some other blogger was saying that this sort of Supreme Court Appointee bashing goes on when these lib-o-crats can’t get their way, and they’re afraid that it’ll upset the political balance of the court. As if the court has to be exactly half liberal, half conservative, at all times. What if the views of the people shift toward the right because more people see what a nutcase Kennedy and his liberals are? I don’t know, but I’d say that dogs and cats living together doesn’t look all that bad after all.