Saturday, June 24, 2006


Sighted, 6/23/06:

  1. 3:30-ish AM. I notice that the Carbon Monoxide Nazi Bitch has willingly parked her car far away from me so as not to be affected by the miniscule amount of emissions from my vehicle. I decide to let my engine idle, as is my habit, while reviewing my route list before heading out. Five minutes later, I've completed the review (beats spending 10 seconds per address en route like a newbie Camera carrier). I notice out of the corner of my eye that Miss Carbon Monoxide is peeking around the corner of the door to check on my (in)activities. As I pull away, the five seconds of elapsed time has been enough for the invisible cloud of Carbon Monoxide that I have created to dissipate so that Miss Carbon Monoxide's alergies won't be activated, and she can safely cross the parking lot to her vehicle. All is well.
  2. 4:30-ish AM. I turn onto Blackbird Road, drive 3/10 mile, get into turn lane to turn onto Femur Road. Notice that Maniac #2 is tailgating me, trying to pass on left to get into left-hand turn lane around me. Cut off said tailgaiter. Tailgaiter continues to tailgate another 2/10 miles until my next turn. Speed estimated to be 5 MPH over speed limit. Distracted by the tailgaiter, I neglect to use turn signal, knowing that my brake lights will indicate an impending maneuver. As I turn, the tailgaiter honks his horn, blasts past, accelerates to an estimated 20 MPH over speed limit. Let me guess. "OHMANOHMANOHMAN IGOTTAGOPEEREALBAD!!! JESUSCHRISTIGOTTAGETHOMEIGOTTAGOSOBADICAN'TSTANDIT!!! WHYISTHISGUYGOINGSODAMNDESLOWJESUSCHRISTJUSTGET OUTAMYWAY!!!!!"
  3. 6:30-ish AM. A fat walrus-like figure, apparently female as evidenced by a pair of breasts, fluffy Bozo-like hair sticking out of the sides of a ball-cap, chasing my truck down the street like a rabid dog. Shouting something, mostly unintelligible, but something like "BLAAAH! BLAHBLAHBLAHBLAAAAAHHH! BLAH BLAH!!! I SAW YOU BLAAAH!!! BLAAAH! BLAHBLAHBLAH!!! YOU BLAH! BLAAAHH!! YOU JUST BLAH BLAH!!! GET BACK HERE YOU BLAHH BLAH!!!!! BLAH! BLAAAHH!!!" You saw me what? Delivering newspapers? Driving down the roadway? Massacring some microbes upon the roadway with my vehicle as I drove over them? I drive away from Maniac #3 unscathed, but wonder to myself, "What am I, flypaper for freaks? Is there a Freak Vortex here in GumWrapper?

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