Tuesday, June 14, 2005

Geldof Blasts eBay

Live 8 organizer Bob Geldof has lashed out at the Internet auction site eBay -- calling it an "electronic pimp" -- after pairs of tickets for the upcoming London event have been listed for as much as 10 million pounds ($18 million).
Well Bob, first off, you're accusing eBay of doing the selling. It's not eBay, Bob, it's the individual sellers who are listing the tickets on eBay. eBay is merely providing a venue for making the sale. Just as you're providing a venue for pimping out these artists for your own profiteering on the backs of the impoverished people that your event allegedly benefits. eBay makes a market where there is apparently desire for both seller and buyer to agree upon a price and a means to make a desired exchange. Accusing eBay of profiteering is a bit like saying the New York Stock Exchange is immoral for selling the stock of various gun manufacturers. "Guns don't kill people, people kill people." Stock exchanges that provide a market for investors to buy and sell stock for gun manufacturer's don't kill people, people who misuse guns kill people. That example may be an extra layer removed than what you're saying. My point is, target your wrath appropriately.

Second, Bob, not everyone who's selling on eBay is profiteering at the expense of the impoverished. How do the impoverished people suffer by someone else selling tickets for an event that they may never even know about? Anyway, back to my second point... As a seller on eBay, I can say that eBay has been my best bet yet for ketting out of - and staying out of - the clutches of both poverty and of the culture of corporate greed. I'm probably one of the very few people in the world who understand the karmic benefits of working through poverty. While everyone else is whining about the condition of the impoverished people, I'm using the experience as motivation to overcome the situation and make something of myself. And I'm making something of myself by building a business of my own, starting by selling stuff on eBay! I don't care if anyone holds a concert for me; that doesn't mean a thing to me.

By lambasting the free enterprise system, Bob, you're attacking the very means by which an ambitious, capable person such as myself could possibly break free of dependence on a culture of corporate greed, where companies like Worldcom and Enron build their own executive bankrolls while keeping their employees in a state of near-poverty, and stealing from their retirement. It's the free enterprise system that made America great. Don't destroy the opportunity for people to get out of poverty by attacking an avenue to success (eBay), and by mollycoddling people away from such avenues to success with handouts and a fish for a day.

Om Sri Angarakaya Namaha

Sunday, June 12, 2005

Anger Management (Part I)

Anger Management

I’ve only had two people scream at me for delivering a newspaper that they didn’t want.

I got a screamer for Christmas.
I really wanted a moaner or a sweater.

That wouldn’t make much sense unless you already heard the original joke:

I got a sweater for Christmas.
I really wanted a moaner or a screamer.

My new mantra:

Om sri angarakaya namaha

You wanna what my what???

If losing my mind is anything like losing my virginity, well then I’m all for it.

Om sri angarakaya namaha

Well Neither Do I!

What should I tell people when they tell me that they don’t want their paper?

  • Well neither do I!
  • Oh, I don’t know anything about that.
  • Well now you do!
  • According to my list you do.
  • Oh, we just changed that. Now you do.
  • Oh, wait… Accessing… You’re supposed to call someone… who gives a shit. Which is not me.
  • See, that's why I'm delivering, and you're being delivered to, and not the other way around.
  • You wanna what my what? You wanna kiss my ass??? Okay then, here you go...
Om sri angarakaya namaha

He’s moving into his own apartment

According to my bundle mail, a Mr. Bill Williamson (not his real name) moved into 6565 Bilgewater, apartment 204D (not his real address), and is having his subscription transferred there. But that address isn’t on my route list, so I have to write it in myself, until it can be entered into the computer.

Also, a Mr. Bill Williamson is moving out of 6565 Bilgewater, building D, apartment 204, and wants his subscription transferred. Too bad, I’ve delivered to Mr. Williamson for years.

“But this is the same newspaper with the same schedule at the same address.”

“No, it just wasn’t an exact match, so it didn’t show up in the system.”

“I already deliver there. This change doesn’t mean anything to me.”

“No, It’s a drop-off, so you’ll have to write it in, and remember to deliver to that address.”

“I’m just starting and stopping delivery at the same address.”

“It just didn’t match in the computer because it wasn’t the exact same address.”

Why are you still talking to me about this???

Om sri angarakaya namaha

Virus Volley (Part I)

My computer told me it wanted to do a full system virus scan, so I let it. Apparently, I got a virus in the email on May 17. Not just one virus, but a volley of them. If a group of lions is called a “pride”, and a group of geese is called a “gaggle,” then what is a group of viruses called? A sortie? A colony? An invasion force?

That was about the date my computer lost it’s mind, and I turned into a screamer.

Om sri angarakaya namaha

To be continued…

Friday, June 03, 2005


In today's headlines, Sun Microsystems announced plans to acquire Storage Tek. From my experience of getting the short end of the stick in corporate acquisitions, I'll tell you how it will be. 32,000 employees plus 7,000 employees equals 32,000 employees. The other 7,000 will be down at the DNA competing with me to deliver newspapers to the other 32,000. That's what happened when Sun drove Solbourne Computer out of business. That's what happened when Aspect Development acquired Cadis Inc. It was an obvious move to eliminate the competition, and acquire the customer base, while all the former Cadis employees were suddenly no longer needed, nor employed. And when Rogue Wave Software went out of business, it was only a year or two before that I was among the first where they started cutting expenses. Well, sorry your jackass manager couldn't decide what she wanted me to do. For the record, Gail King, you promised to let me work on DBTools.h++ for three months, just two weeks before you "fired" me for poor productivity. I hope that helped fatten your golden parachute, Jack Iacabucci. I see it did Ms. Carly Fiorna a lot of good to run HP into the ground. Some $22 million to get fired. Woohoo! For a cool $22 million, I'll go wreck some computer company. The high tech industry is really on fire now!

Overheard while folding newspapers this morning, another carrier asked the manager, "So, we don't get the special bags for the Financial Times anymore?" The answer, "They only give us what they think we need." And when somebody else runs out of bags, they'll steal the bags off of my bench, and leave me with none. It's like a teenager trying to convince his friends to indulge in drugs, sex, or alcohol: "C'mon, everyone's doin' it!" Even the managers encourage this. I asked where to get more bags from, and they said "Just take some from someone else's bench." Well, if they're going to be like that, I'll just take mine home with me whenever the box runs out. I'll keep my own private stock. It doesn't matter if I only deliver two Financial Times on my route. A couple of extra packs in my garage should last me maybe three months. And those other guys can bite me when they can't find any more Financial's bags, and I won't give them any of mine.

And for that guy in the blue Volkswagon that butt-sniffed me, er uh, tailgated me all the way down Arapahoe Road, I'm sorry I almost smeared the front end of your car when you tried to cut beside me into the turn lane. Okay, I'm not sorry. I did it on purpose. I gotta turn too. And I don't feel like racing this geriatric 220,0000 mile truck against you. But if I can get you to wreck into me, it'll be your fault, and I can get your insurance to buy me a new vehicle.

Okay, time to confess. The reason I'm so angry is because I'm all hopped up on DHEA. I take it to help out with the adrenal fatigue syndrome, which I get because I have to get up at 1:00 AM every morning, and don't get near enough sleep. The DHEA not only bolsters the adrenal glands, but it also increases the testosterone levels. I know this personally because, boy do I get a bad case of the erections. The heck with all this Cialis, Levitra, and Viagra bullcrap. DHEA is $5 / bottle, and over the counter. I've sure been needing this for a long time. But, shhhh... keep it as our little secret. Just keep the road rage and whatnot under control, okay? Go sign up at BazaarMart.com with a premium membership, and I'll get you some knives, and leather jackets, and maybe some hunting equipment at near wholesale prices. I just need to finish this last assignment for my class, and get to work building up that business. I'll see you there.