Sunday, June 12, 2005

Anger Management (Part I)

Anger Management

I’ve only had two people scream at me for delivering a newspaper that they didn’t want.

I got a screamer for Christmas.
I really wanted a moaner or a sweater.

That wouldn’t make much sense unless you already heard the original joke:

I got a sweater for Christmas.
I really wanted a moaner or a screamer.

My new mantra:

Om sri angarakaya namaha

You wanna what my what???

If losing my mind is anything like losing my virginity, well then I’m all for it.

Om sri angarakaya namaha

Well Neither Do I!

What should I tell people when they tell me that they don’t want their paper?

  • Well neither do I!
  • Oh, I don’t know anything about that.
  • Well now you do!
  • According to my list you do.
  • Oh, we just changed that. Now you do.
  • Oh, wait… Accessing… You’re supposed to call someone… who gives a shit. Which is not me.
  • See, that's why I'm delivering, and you're being delivered to, and not the other way around.
  • You wanna what my what? You wanna kiss my ass??? Okay then, here you go...
Om sri angarakaya namaha

He’s moving into his own apartment

According to my bundle mail, a Mr. Bill Williamson (not his real name) moved into 6565 Bilgewater, apartment 204D (not his real address), and is having his subscription transferred there. But that address isn’t on my route list, so I have to write it in myself, until it can be entered into the computer.

Also, a Mr. Bill Williamson is moving out of 6565 Bilgewater, building D, apartment 204, and wants his subscription transferred. Too bad, I’ve delivered to Mr. Williamson for years.

“But this is the same newspaper with the same schedule at the same address.”

“No, it just wasn’t an exact match, so it didn’t show up in the system.”

“I already deliver there. This change doesn’t mean anything to me.”

“No, It’s a drop-off, so you’ll have to write it in, and remember to deliver to that address.”

“I’m just starting and stopping delivery at the same address.”

“It just didn’t match in the computer because it wasn’t the exact same address.”

Why are you still talking to me about this???

Om sri angarakaya namaha

Virus Volley (Part I)

My computer told me it wanted to do a full system virus scan, so I let it. Apparently, I got a virus in the email on May 17. Not just one virus, but a volley of them. If a group of lions is called a “pride”, and a group of geese is called a “gaggle,” then what is a group of viruses called? A sortie? A colony? An invasion force?

That was about the date my computer lost it’s mind, and I turned into a screamer.

Om sri angarakaya namaha

To be continued…

No comments: