Tuesday, February 07, 2006

Jelly Jihad Continues

Another Danish pastry containing an apparent image of the prophet Mohammed has surfaced today. At a bakery in Detroit Michigan, Joseph stopped by for some donuts. “The idea was to celebrate the Superbowl victory of the Steelers,” Joseph explained. “When I saw those danishes, I decided they were so tasty, I asked for a dozen of those instead. It wasn’t until I got to the office that I found the one with the li’l Arab dude.”

That was only the beginning. “Bill was just going to eat it, and Sue said something like ‘Don’t eat that! Isn’t that one of the 9/11 terrorists? You might hurt somebody.’” Sue was on to something that would change all of their lives in a profound way. “So we gave her this look, like, WTF, and she says ‘You know, hurt somebody’s feelings.’ I was about to take a bite, when Sue grabs it out of my hand and heads over to Mohammed’s desk.

“We always thought Mohammed was just one of the guys, kind of a mamma’s boy, you know, knew his internet protocol stuff pretty well, but kind of secretive. Well, Mohammed just goes postal. It really surprised all of us. It was really unexpected.” It turned out that Mohammed was a secretive but avid knife collector. Omar produced an 11-inch dagger from his desk, and began absent-mindedly stabbing the Blue Angels calendar on his cubicle wall while muttering “no more blood for oil… no more blood for oil…” The stabbing quickly turned to hacking, followed by violent thrashing, as his targets became more human, and his chant turned to something Arabic, followed by a shouted “JELLY JIHAD!!! JELLY JIHAD!!! JELLY JIHAD!!!”

Sensing the growing unrest in the American heartland, Iranian police (yes, police, from Iran, as oxymoronic as that sounds) knew the embassy of Denmark, the pastry’s namesake country, would be subject to the inevitable jelly jihad. As if a hundredth monkey episode had overtaken their conscious minds, a group of protesters appeared at the Danish embassy just moments after the cartoon Danish appeared, and Mohammed lost it. Some of the protesters carried signs with slogans such as “Behead Pastry Chefs,” “Daneland [sic] Will Have It’s 9/11,” and “Exterminate Those Who Bake Jelly.”

At the office where the offending Danish appeared, the building was in flames. Sue grabbed a black tablecloth from the company cafeteria, cut an eye-slit in it, covered herself, and ran outside as the sole survivor, only seconds before the building exploded in a huge mushroom cloud. Speculation persists as to whether the suitcase nuke that apparently caused the explosion originated from Iran, or from President Bush.

Investigators have located and examined the charred remains of the offending Danish, and have traced the jelly to the Sucker’s Jelly company. Local Muslims, having learned from the internet that Sucker’s created the jelly that spontaneously generates Mohammed cartoons, confronted company president, Richard “Dick” Sucker. Mr. Sucker at first explained that the morphing jelly technology was obtained from the pantry on board the alien spacecraft from the 1947 Roswell New Mexico crash. The Muslims protesting the cartooning jelly would not accept, or understand the alien origins of the cartooning jelly. Without attempting to further explain the spontaneous cartooning of the jelly, Mr. Sucker eventually apologized. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry that you guys are such jerks. I’m sorry that you just don’t get it. And I’m sorry that you have to throw such a temper tantrum over our little publicity stunt. But I’m not sorry that we made the cartoon danishes.”

In Tehran Iran, President Ahmadinejad has announced a bake sale where participants are encouraged to bake camel dung containing images of President Bush in bed with Hitler, Hillary Clinton in bed with Hitler, Hillary in bed with President Bush, Bill Clinton in bed with Satan, and endless such combinations.

Special Thanks: Moonbattery.com, Willisms.com, Outside The Beltway, The Nose On Your Face, little green footballs, Clarity & Resolve, Dr. Sanity, Michelle Malkin

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