Monday, April 18, 2005

Headline News

Thanks For The Adrenaline Rush, Officer

I only pulled over so the car behind me could get past, and wouldn’t be confused by me darting from side to side across the road, throwing things out the window. I didn’t know you were a cop until you turned on your lights, and shined your spotlight in my mirrors. But thanks for the adrenaline rush. I really needed that. My coffee didn’t quite do the trick this morning. I was about to go to sleep out here at 3:30 AM. Really, I don’t think you know any more who I am, or what I’m doing out here than I know who you are or why you’re following me, until we have such an encounter.

Headline News

Flashback to last Wednesday, 4/13/05. I woke up with this impending feeling of doom. Like something cataclysmic might happen. Wondering if the disaster would be manmade or natural, I turned on CNN to watch events unfold in real time while I finished my taxes.

Britney’s Got A Bun In The Oven!

I never quite understood the teen idol phenomenon. It doesn’t mean much to me that Britney Spears is pregnant, or what that means for her career. That CNN had to have expert guests with opposing views arguing with each other whether the pregnancy was a mere career enhancing move, or if the child would become more of a fashion accessory was just overkill.

Finger Found In Wendy’s Chili

In yet another inane CNN headline news story, some woman reportedly “bit into” a finger in her bowl of chili at Wendy’s. I don’t know what size spoonfuls of chili the woman was shoveling into her mouth, but I think a finger would be noticeable enough not to actually bite into. And why did they call the chili "stew?" Stew and chili are about as different as a news anchor and a cameraman.

In an obviously related story, at an earlier date another woman was attacked by a leopard, and had her finger bitten off. I can imagine the Wendy’s employees keeping the leopard in the back room waiting with a chili bowl for the finger to pass.

Killer Denies Government’s Right To Kill

Eric Rudolph was sentenced for his bombings of abortion clinics and Olympic Park in Alabama and Georgia. In his statement, he declared

"Abortion is murder. And when the regime in Washington legalized, sanctioned and legitimized this practice, they forfeited their legitimacy and moral authority to govern."

So, it’s wrong for the government to legalize murder by abortion, and that means it’s okay for him to go around killing whoever he wants.

And Your Tax Bill Is…

I finally got my cataclysm. I owe more money in taxes than I can pay. What am I going to do about that? Use the magic second mortgage card! Okay, now that that thing’s full, how am I going to pay for next year’s taxes? I can feel my sanity slipping away.

As a paper carrier, I’m not an employee of the Denver Newspaper Agency (the DNA). No. I’m contract labor. So they don’t withhold income tax, social security tax, or unemployment tax. None of that. I have to pay my own taxes at the end of the year: April 15th. Since my income just almost pays for the bills, I have to come up with another $150 per month to pay my taxes. Again, I can feel my sanity slipping away.

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